LOVE Yourself

Assalamualaikum WBT

We are approaching the end of 2017, entering the age of 28.

This few weeks a have been thinking about love. Oh, wait, I am not saying that I am in love with someone called 'boyfriend' :). But, I received so much love from people around me, from every single thing around me. And most love from my Most Gracious, Allah SWT. Alhamdulillah.

I don't know about you guys, but this is the first time, I feel overwhelming being loved by people around me and it feels too much that I couldn't handle it. Then, I asked myself, why you feel like this? What's wrong with love? It's a sign that they really care for you, that they are all kind to you, trying to help you. You are lucky to have all these people around you. Yes, I am lucky, very lucky, but I feel bad that I couldn't return their love, I couldn't be so caring like them, because their love is too great that I am not capable of giving so much love like them, I don't have the capacity to give back. Why can't I love them back? I tried, I feel it's not enough and I can't love as much I owe them. I was like 'why you are so caring and nice to me, please stop, I can't handle this'. At some point, I want to run away, to a place where no one knows me, so no one will care for me, then I won't feel bad anymore. Because the feeling when people were too good for you but you are bad to them is really burdensome and it feels really bad.

But, wait Yati, what are you saying? Why you feel this way? You sure the reason you feel bad because they are too good, too much love, that you are bad to them and you cannot return their love? Are you sure this is what happens? Why I can't love them back enough? I keep thinking, I read, and I run away in searching for the answer to why I feel very overwhelming being loved?

Then I found this quote:

 ''Love yourself before you can love anyone else''

I went to travel alone to a place I never been. While travelling, although I am stranger to that place, they don't know me, but I still received so much love for every people I encountered during my travel.

I almost fall in the icy path, then a gentleman about 30 years old quickly offered his help 'are you alright?'.

I almost miss a but as I was too focus finding direction from my phone, but then the bus still stop despite my late waving hand trying to stop the passing bus.

And then I went to pray in a mosque at Chesham, I was lost and couldn't find the ablution room for woman. Then an old man there was very helpful, make sure everything is fine for me 'the water is a bit cold, try running the water for a bit, the warm water will come out'.

I was like, oh, people very care about me. That makes me feel 'I am someone' and I am not invisible to them. All these very little things, had stroke me, how people love anyone else and care for others sincerely? Who am I? I think that I am nobody and I feel I don't deserve to receive so much love like this. Why do you care about me, why are you so nice to me?

Then I realize, the problem was not the LOVE that I received, the question was ''Do I love myself?

I always looked down on myself, I didn't allow myself to be loved, and I just cannot love or care for anyone else'. The problems were:

   I failed to LOVE myself.

   I failed to see how AMAZING I am.

   I failed to see that myself is the most IMPORTANT thing in my life.

   I am so busy trying to love others that I forgot to love myself.

 

Since I returned from the solo trip, I learned to love myself. I did what makes me feel better, I care for myself, I treasure all things about myself. Amazingly, I feel more at peace, I valued myself more, I protect myself from being harmed by this world instead of punishing myself for bad things that happened in my life. And yes, I feel happier. Now, I can start spread the love to people around me, give without hoping for something in return. Just continue care for them and love all things around me, in every situation, sad and happy, bad and good.

If you love yourself, you will be more careful in everything you do. Before you say, YES, THINK, will I be able to take this commitment, this responsibility? Can I do it now, or should I save it for when I have more capacity later?

Because I love myself, I shall protect myself from things I am not capable of doing at the present moment. Or else things will get accumulated and things will go beyond my control and I will feel overwhelmed. I chose to give more instead of receiving unknowingly why and how to receive it properly. So, instead of saying 'yes' to everything, I shall be more selective. For me to receive more, I shall give more, so I shall love myself more. Isn't this is what we were told to do ''sedekah la, banyakkan memberi, maka akan lebih banyak yang akan datang''.

Love yourself more doesn't mean you have to be selfish. That is not the definition of LOVE. When we love, we want the best for the one we love. We want all good things for our loved one. So, that is exactly what we should do to our self first. Make sure we do justice to our self, do things that only will make you become a better person. Don't do things that will make you a bad person.

So, let's love our self, more and more, learn every day and improve our self every day. Because I love myself, I want her to be a good person, who brings benefit to other people around her (Sebaik-baik insan adalah yang paling banyak berbakti pada yang lain).

With Love,

Nur

East Finchley
26/12/2017
Boxing Day
20:04