I am Alive and I am not Giving Up
It’s November 12th, 2019. I am now a 4th year PhD student. Since the past few days, weeks, and months, I knew that something was not right with me. But I keep ignoring that, trying to stay positive by telling myself “I am OK, I am fine, I can get through this”. I thought if I keep saying that to myself, someday everything will be fine, and I would be healed. It’s only a matter of time. But, that is just temporary and isn't the solution. I ought to find a better solution. Only today I learned that there are two types of positive thinking after listening to Aiman Azlan feat Aida Azlin’s podcast. I was in the first group of positivity. I guess it's time to change to the second group, a true positivity!
The first type is being positive by ignoring the negative thoughts and dismissing your emotion. You feel sad, but instead of accepting the feeling and acknowledging the feeling, you keep telling yourself “I am good, I am fine”. Being positive this way isn’t solving the main problem, it’s just a temporary solution, you are running away from the main issue and denying what you truly feel. If you feel sad, cried, if you feel helpless, acknowledge it! The second type of positive thinking is by accepting that you felt sad, allow yourself to grief, acknowledging the negativity, then processed the negativity, churned them and turned them into something positives. That is the true positivity.
And at this moment, yes, I feel sad, I messed up again, I am stress, my days were not productive lately, and I am not in my right mind. I reached a point where I couldn’t find the answers to the questions in my head. I keep searching for answers, but in the end, I found myself lost in my own thoughts. There were times where I doubted my thinking; is it right to think this way, what if my thinking is clouded and distorted by my past experiences? Past experiences should make you wiser and think better. But, are my past experiences distorted my thinking or make me think wiser? What I see in front of me now is a very tiny-grey line between those two. I don't have the answer... For now, I will leave the question open with the hope that someday I will find the answer.
But, what I realized and what I am grateful is this one thing; I have become a little wiser, and when I have become a little wiser, the situation that I need to face become bigger, and the decision that I need to make become more difficult. I also realized that I have learnt new things, I have discovered more interesting and amazing things, I got to know myself better than before, and most importantly, I am not giving up, I am trying and moving forward in my own pace with every energy I have left.
My dear self, hang in there, keep fighting, keep going and keep thinking good of Allah, He Knows what you are going through. Everything happens for reasons. You just got to be patient and do not lose your purpose in life; to strive to be a better servant of Allah SWT, to get closer to Him.
My dear self, hang in there, keep fighting, keep going and keep thinking good of Allah, He Knows what you are going through. Everything happens for reasons. You just got to be patient and do not lose your purpose in life; to strive to be a better servant of Allah SWT, to get closer to Him.
Let the outcome be in Allah's Hands for He is The Best Planner. So, regardless of how the outcome would be, focus on your actions. Set your priority right and be brave. Be brave to make a decision, be brave to make a choice in life, and be brave to take the step. Live life to the fullest, and focus on the positive. People will always have an opinion, but you have to live life the way you want to and accept the responsibility for your actions and decision.
Alhamdulillah, I am alive and I am not giving up...
From a person who strives to be wiser each day,
Nur
12/11/2019
CABI
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