The Temptation to 'Give Up'

Assalamualaikum...

After 10 days, here I am again. After pleading to change my perspective, to be happy be content be confident and be hopeful, I once again for a million time, fell into the trap again. I am not entirely sure what I am going through at the moment. It could be the normal symptom final phase that all final year PhD student went through. It could be because I am staying alone - in which I never did before. Or it could be because of the Covid19. Yes, all those mixed up - thus here I am, I messed up again. 

I am kind of witnessing myself going down, yet I still didn't do anything. People always see me as a strong lady, strong-hearted, that no matter what happens I will do well. But the truth is, I managed to achieve what I have today is due to the Mercy of Allah. Rezeki dari Allah SWT, Tuhanku yang aku rindui sangat-sangat saat ini. Beberapa hari ini, hati meronta-ronta mencari mencuba, aku mahu fight back aku mahu bouncg back, but all efforst didn't work, keupayaan manusia terbatas, hanya Allah yang memahami dan Maha Berkuasa, yang Mengawal Mengatur semuanya. 

The word 'Give Up' is the scariest word for me, I don't even want to say that word out of fear that it might come to me for real. But, I come to realize, I need to acknowledge the existence of this word. If not, without realizing it, when are at the verge of temptation to give up we just let it happen without doing anything to stop that greatest temptation.

Book 'The Art of Letting God' by Mizi Wahid

When this happens, what should we do?

But first what could be the reason for this? 

1. Often either because we feel tired due to a long battle, we have been pushing ourselves for quite a long time that now kita rasa penat dan refuse to continue pushing, or
2. Secondly, because we lost or forgetting our purpose our inspiration/motivation in life or 
3. Thirdly we need a bigger purpose a bigger Why untuk teruskan perjuangan dan jadi lebih baik. 

Hmm, too bad my answer is yes to all three of the above. So, more work needs to be done for me. But, it is also good as this is a sign that I am longing for something bigger, means Allah Wants to bring me to a better state, InshaaAllah one step closer to Him.

Dalam hidup ni, kena sentiasa ingat setiap yang berlaku adalah untuk kita, dan pilihan di tangan kita untuk ambil sisi positif atau sisi negatifnya. Macam mana nak sentiasa boleh punya kekuatan untuk lihat sisi positif nya? Dengan cara selalu ingat yang Allah x kan hadirkan sesuatu melebihi apa yang kita mampu lalui. Dan Allah adalah sebaik-baik Perancang, Dia Maha Mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk kita. Tingkatkan iman, takwa dan kesabaran kita. Fokuskan energy kita pada usaha kita. Kerana kita x mampu kawal masa hadapan tapi kita mampu kawal usaha kita. Selagi mana kita berusaha sebaik semampu kita, InshaaAllah yang baik-baik menanti di hadapan dan tiada sesalan di kemudian hari.

It is not the end yet. The best is yet to come...

So what should we do?

1. Senyapkan semua noise (distraction yang x diundang dan distractions yang kita sendiri cari untuk lari dari masalah sebenar) dalam fikiran kita, 
2. Cari semula diri dan buat appointment untuk bercakap one to one dengan our inner self, our inner thoughts. 
3. Often, waktu appoitment yang paling berkesan ialah waktu dalam doa especially masa solat tahajud. 
4. If you feel you still can't do that alone, try to talk to someone who knows you best who could help you confront your inner conflicts. 
5. Be honest to yourself then only you could find the root cause and find the solution for it.

And after that, most importantly, action. ACT NOW! Execute the solution immediately. 

Some people choose to just dismiss all those steps above and just paksa je diri terus buat, jangan layankan sangat perasaan tu. Yang ni betul juga to a certain extent. Some situations require that approach. But, in some situation and often for longer and sustainable and in facing bigger challenges, we need to be careful and berseni. Sebab jika salah langkah, we will found ourselves going through the same circle over and over again, that is exhausting and that's when the temptation to give up come knocking our door. And we also need to be careful not to be too hard on ourselves as we risk pushing ourselves into the danger of depression. 

You know yourself better than anyone else, choose what best for you. Talk to people in the process of finding what works best for you. Go girl, we can do this, life will and can get better.

Till next time...

17.03.2020 - UCL Student Centre, my final day at UCL collecting all my things before UCL closure due to Covid19

Jom teruskan usaha till the final day!

Nur

18/03/2020

Wallington

09:23